Talking to Yourself the Way You'd Talk to a Good Friend

Self-compassion is easier described than lived. Most people find it easier to be warm towards a friend than towards themselves.

A concrete question often helps: think of someone who matters to you. What would you say to them if they were in the same situation you’re in right now? Usually, words come that are warm and non-judgemental. With ourselves, we’re often considerably harsher.

The researcher Kristin Neff has studied this systematically. What she describes: meeting yourself in difficult moments with the same kindness you’d extend to someone close to you. That includes not seeing your own suffering as a personal flaw. Pain and failure are human experiences. And it starts with simply noticing that things aren’t going well right now.

Self-compassion doesn’t mean ignoring mistakes or letting yourself off the hook. It means not punishing yourself further in difficult moments.

What would you say to her?

Nastassja Volkov, Licensed Psychotherapist